Dating Resume

I have recently started trying to find true love, once again, with the help of Tinder. Just kidding. I have started using Tinder again, but it’s not to find true love. It’s because I’m bored, honestly. And now that I’m back to spending all of my time in Manhattan, after a six month period of insanity, I have more time to do fun things and, as my mother would say, “meet someone interesting”.

I’ve been back on the app for a grand total of three full days and this time I’m 100% not taking anything seriously. This is purely a way to pass the time. So far, though, I must say that it has been a positive experience. One message that I got did get me thinking. His opening line was: That’s quite the Tinder profile resume. What an interesting thing to say. Then, I got to thinking and agreed that your online dating profile is, essentially, a dating resume. But what if it was to be done in the same way as a job resume?
Hopeful Applicant
firstname.lastname@email.com
Objective: To find someone who doesn’t suck and who will agree to having consensual sex with me on a regular basis until we, either break up or get married.
Special Skills: Listening, making out, pretending to like sports, humor, knowing the best take-out spots, that thing you like (you know that thing), intelligent conversations, wears low-cut shirts, witty comebacks, karaoke, sleeping with you on the first date
Previous Experience:
Ex-Boyfriend 1
November 2014-May 2015
  • Communicated daily about current events.
  • Remained non-envious of friends that are girls.
  • Encouraged him to follow his dreams and get a Masters’ Degree.
  • Harbored no negative feelings after breakup.
Ex-Boyfriend 2
January 2010-April 2012 (intermittently)
  • Manipulated him with sexual favors.
  • Watched dumb movies and played dumb video games with false enjoyment.
  • Argued about moral beliefs and musical preferences constantly.
  • Expanded sexual repertoire.
Ex-Boyfriend 3
June 2006-January 2008
  • Shared similar interests in almost everything.
  • Communicated daily, though living in different states.
  • Happily engaged with all of his friends and family.
  • Exchanged thoughtful gifts whenever necessary.
  • Aided in cheating on new girlfriend, knowingly.
  • Gained a considerable amount of baggage and trust issues.
After reviewing my own dating resume, I came to the indisputable conclusion that it is definitely a good thing that we do not have to upload these for everyone to see. You have to really be willing to put in the work with people before unloading all of their dirty laundry.
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